I was a mess before I met you. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of and before I realized I told you all about it just like that. And honestly I still am a mess, but you accept it all without any condition, without any judgement, and that is probably why I fall for you. because maybe, despite all the things i've done, all the shit i've been through and to have one person to be able to love me and embrace me, is such a blessing to me.
But you know, there's this thing where all human beings can't help feeling, the feeling to always and constantly feel of being not enough. But I think to myself, how is it our fault tho? Everyone wanted to feel love, feel secure and feel enough. No one can't help feeling that way isn't it? sometimes I myself feel like if i'm asking too much. But you know, i get it. I know you don't need to be acknowledge to feel loved, you don't need validation from someone else to feel love, but is it so wrong to feel that way? is it really too much to ask?
I was definitely not one who needs validation all the time, especially from someone else but somehow i became this way after I met you, who I think worth fighting for. I became this person who's constantly asking for validation, who's craving for so much of your attention just to feel okay, to the point i think it's an obsession, to the point i feel so worthless without you, to the point i feel like ending everything that's happening and don't wanna feel anything at all.
And to the point,
I feel like a burden to you
I feel like i'm blocking your future
I feel like i'm bothering you
I feel like i'm such nuisance
I feel like you should've never known me, so you could be happy
I feel like i should've never love u in the first place.
So, you can be free and actually be happy, even if it means I'm gonna be miserable.

I became this selfish and self centered person.
I became someone I thot i'll never be
I became so insecure, that I hate myself all the time
I became so vulnerable and most of the time
I wish you could've met someone better than me so you don''t have to deal with this messed up me.
I felt so sorry you all the time that you have to deal with this version of me.

I don't know it's gonna be this hard,
I don't know this side of me would show up
I don't know that I could love someone so hard
Truth is I don't know anything, until I met you.

I was so sure we could have a happy ending, but right now I'm no so sure anymore if I'm doing all the love by myself.
But i guess it's karma, I was always the one who receive. maybe this time God wants me to feel how it's like to give all the love by yourself.
I wish, loving someone wouldn't be this hard, but I guess it wouldn't be called love if it's easy.

Hi again!
How's your day going? My day started out very bad today, but I managed to survive the storm.
This new year started out very good actually if I think about it, I'm more motivated, I'm more positive (well not entirely but going there), I'm more happy, and I guess I'm more driven to achieve much more things.
I'll probably gonna write a short post starting now, instead of writing a long ass crazy emotional posts. Well, maybe once in a while, I'll be writing report on how I feel, how my life has been. hahahah. But for now, let's be more positive instead of ranting about my life.

Current mood: very sad. Wow, I literally can't write anything about how I'm feeling right now. It's so overwhelming, I can't even begin to describe my feelings. oh lord please tell me, what is this? Why am I so vulnerable? I really wish my insecurities to stop coming my way :( All the negative questions are running through my head like crazy right now. oh God, why is loving someone so hard, so tired, so confusing yet so beautiful, so happy, and amazing at the same time.

Olaaa, Yes I'm writing twice today cus I just felt like it. I was gonna write how I felt in previous post, but it's my first post in 2k19 so I think it's pretty lame if I write something emotional or sad.
I haven't feel like myself lately, but I am currently very happy.
I don't know what got into me, but these days I feel sad, excited, happy and confused all at the same time. I don't know what is the end game of this story, but you know I feel content with what is going on right now.
It's just that, I wish I could tell him just how full my heart is because of him. I know I should put myself in his shoes. I am constantly telling myself everything takes time. But I can't help but feeling like shit everytime I think about how he's not open about us. I know we still barely know each other, but you know that feeling where you just wanted to show everyone about the person you love so much your heart can't even handle all the feels it gave you.
At times, I felt like I was giving him so much love and making him a priority whilst I was just you know, his other option. I was being so controlling and jealous and insecure it makes me wanted to stop everything cus i felt like I'm not being myself, but at the same time I am. Maybe, this is the real me. Maybe I was this kind of person to begin with, but I didn't know because I haven't met someone I wanted to keep all for myself. But I also felt like I'm being pushy, needy, clingy and give him a heavy burden instead.
Moreover, the distance... I'm constantly scared of being replaced. What if someone else brings comfort to him when he needed it, but I wasn't there for him? What if he gets tired and bored with the distance? I swear, I would do anything, literally anything to make this work and to have a happy ending. I'm doubting myself even more right now and I miss him so much.
Well, I just wish, everything in life should be easy you know so we don't have to feel like shit and drowned in self-pity all the time.

Bonds

Over the years, I came across a lot of different friends. 

Some are the friends that we make as a children and lose contact as we grow older.

Some are friends we make when we're adults and stay in touch with as long as we are in close proximity to and still convenient to keep in touch with but eventually pulls away or busy routines slowly pull us apart and start to lose touch. 

Some are friends who make a big impact on you but they left just like that, cause you're just a replacement when they don't have friends.

Some are friends we unexpectedly make but turns out to be the best friends we ever had. These friends are those we have mutual understanding with, where bonds are formed between us and it run so deep that no amount of time apart or lack of words will change the way we feel about that friend. The friends that you will actually take back and welcome back, even if they've made the biggest mistake in their life no matter what. The friends that you'll hate at times but will still love them even more no matter what. When these type of friends come into your life, you will cherish it. 

This year, there are a few individuals who came into my life that I consider my truest of friends. They are individuals who see me through my tough times and good times. They always see the best in me despite any of my imperfections. They stood by me when I was at my lowest point, they forgive at times when I was moody or grumpy. They loved me without being judgemental and without expectations. They gave me hugs I needed at times. These friends are friends that will always have my heart, no matter the time or distance, they will always have a place in my heart. Always.

Love, Tara

Friendship

You know at certain age, you came to a realisation that one of the greatest things about being a teenager is the sharing, the closeness and the great times you have with your friends. 

Sometimes in life you find a special friend. 

Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. 

Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. 

Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. 

Someone who guide you to be a better version of yourself. 

Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. 

This is forever friendship. 

When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, Your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem a little brighter. 

Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times.

If you turn and walk away, Your forever friend follows.

If you lose your way, Your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. 

Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. 

And if you find such a friend, you will feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end. 

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you, and your best friend will be there. 

So, that forever friend(s) I sincerely Thank You for being there all the time. 

This post is dedicated to all of my dear friends.

With Love, Tara