Olaaa, Yes I'm writing twice today cus I just felt like it. I was gonna write how I felt in previous post, but it's my first post in 2k19 so I think it's pretty lame if I write something emotional or sad.
I haven't feel like myself lately, but I am currently very happy.
I don't know what got into me, but these days I feel sad, excited, happy and confused all at the same time. I don't know what is the end game of this story, but you know I feel content with what is going on right now.
It's just that, I wish I could tell him just how full my heart is because of him. I know I should put myself in his shoes. I am constantly telling myself everything takes time. But I can't help but feeling like shit everytime I think about how he's not open about us. I know we still barely know each other, but you know that feeling where you just wanted to show everyone about the person you love so much your heart can't even handle all the feels it gave you.
At times, I felt like I was giving him so much love and making him a priority whilst I was just you know, his other option. I was being so controlling and jealous and insecure it makes me wanted to stop everything cus i felt like I'm not being myself, but at the same time I am. Maybe, this is the real me. Maybe I was this kind of person to begin with, but I didn't know because I haven't met someone I wanted to keep all for myself. But I also felt like I'm being pushy, needy, clingy and give him a heavy burden instead.
Moreover, the distance... I'm constantly scared of being replaced. What if someone else brings comfort to him when he needed it, but I wasn't there for him? What if he gets tired and bored with the distance? I swear, I would do anything, literally anything to make this work and to have a happy ending. I'm doubting myself even more right now and I miss him so much.
Well, I just wish, everything in life should be easy you know so we don't have to feel like shit and drowned in self-pity all the time.